Family Power

I hear a lot of men, young and old, expressing ambivalance, confusion, or fear with respect to their real or possible fatherhood.  It seems like it's harder for men to see the scenarios that mix work, love, raising kids, and just living satisfying lives.  I think we need to create new paths of productive fatherhood that define "productive" more broadly.  A man wants to be productive, but a man doesn't in most cases have to be the main breadwinner anymore.  Now, instead of, or in addition to, paid employment away from the home, a father can "man" the home, maintaining it, keeping it safe, making it a place where his kids can flourish intellectually, physically, and spiritually.  The productive family habitat can be the father's, as well as the mother's domain.  There he can create that mix that is manly, loving, and gives his kids the dad they need and deserve. 

Today, about 72% of non-Hispanic black children in the US are born outside of marriage. The rate among whites is rising too - it's about 28%.  So, to a certain extent, forces driving up births outside of marriage are common to whites and blacks - extreme individualism, for example.  But the dramatic difference between the two rates shows that harmful economic and cultural forces have undermined black marriage more insidiously since the 1960s.  The problems that correlate with rising single-parent births - higher poverty, higher school failure, and crime - affect us all.  How to help rebuild the productive capacities of African American families so they can take care of themselves, sustain good marriages,  and rebuild their (and our) communities? And what has eroded those capacities during the past 50 years?  These are vitally important questions for everyone. 

My Dad was dedicated to nurturing in my siblings and me the virtues associated with the traditional Catholic faith.  Our home was very Catholic - we prayed family rosaries, Dad held CCD classes in our living room (classes in Catholic doctrine and faith for kids who went to public schools), on our walls hung crucifixes and religous paintings.  As the six of us moved into adulthood, we went in very different directions faithwise.  But, there is something fundamentally "Kordesh" that we all share, and in that shared identity I do believe that those virtues, although not always expressed as such, are very active.  They stir our concern for the people around us, they keep us honest in our relationships, and they maintain our reverence toward God and the universe.  I thank my Dad for this foundation and for his lived examples.  He died in 1991, but through the lessons of his that we've internalized,  he's still keeping those virtues alive.

My wife, Maureen, and I garden together.  So far this Spring, we've eaten lettuce, spinach, radishes, strawberries, and beets harvested from our family habitat.  Here's one illustration of the little ways that growing food from one's common ground strengthens family ties.   A couple of weeks ago, Maureen and I, along with our visiting friend from Ethiopia, Mulu, formed four mounds of dirt in a raised bed and planted three cucumber seeds each in them.  Three small plants each have begun to reach upward from two of the mounds and none from the other two.  We watch this process and discuss when it will be time to transplant two of the seedlings so that in each of the four hills, at least one plant will take hold.  These small, fascinating, shared tasks in a garden feed on one another and present us many issues to discuss, steps to plan, and natural gifts of the earth at which to marvel.  These small tasks keep us talking with one another, working together, and sharing the bounty.  A garden gives a family a field of opportunities in which to grow together rather than apart.

Among my own networks of friends and colleagues - mostly liberals or left-leaning progressives - I increasingly get the sense that it's best not talk too seriously about family.  Is family the new "f" word?  When I state that I work on family-based community development, some colleagues avert their eyes.  Others suspect me of harboring a secret conservative identity (horrors).  This seems especially true when I raise the even more skin curdling "m" word: marriage.  But here, in this first blog post, let me say this: I'm out.  I just don't think we are doing all we can do for kids - of all races and cultures - unless we enable men and women together to raise the children they bring into the world lovingly and with total commitment.  Why not the best for all kids?  A good family is not a white idea or a western idea or a man's idea or a woman's idea.  True, family forms vary around the world, and true, women's equality must be fought for vigilantly.  But in the end, if we really want what's best for kids, we need a lot more power for good, caring, and committed families.